1
I bleached my skin for you. I became
my history for you. Say this is the bahay.
When I say hayop ka, it means America
is my true love. It means the only Asia
is the popular Asia. Motherland my words
into existence. This is how I say
I love you: ayoko sayo.
2
Bahay means not this country
not this land—colonized
on a colonizer’s land. Hayop ka
means to look this country in the eyes
& say living in it & seeing
its history
is as beautiful as looking at an animal
in a zoo & the animal
pouncing back.
Ayoko sayo means I love you.
3
I am chasing the wind :: I want to be everything & nothing at the same time :: Motherland is always something to be chased & never caught :: Filipino is the modifier & I the noun :: Americans like it when I italicize the mother tongue to specify when the poem becomes exotic :: Because diaspora poetry is all I can write :: Pag-ibig the bullet :: Isang araw I will be Filipino instead of Filipino poet :: Karahasán means love if you tell Americans it does :: Ang hinahanap ko the motherland :: I write about yellow sunlight & egg yolks because love is only as attainable as America :: Immigrant, immigrant, immigrant :: If I call myself my history, will America want me?
4
Now this is a love letter where I profess
my love for America.
I mourn the motherland in shitty Tagalog.
This is not the poem
I want to write. But every story has a winner
& a loser. Here’s a spoiler: the winner
is always America.