Three Kings / Photo by Baynard Woods / Courtesy Democracy In Crisis

Three Kings is supposed to be some sort of super-strain that combines the genetics of Headband, OG Kush and Sour Diesel. But Headband is already a combination of OG Kush and Sour Diesel. So you combine them and then combine them again with their offspring?

It could be an interesting breeding strategy, I guess, if you want to keep pulling out certain traits. But in this case, inbreeding weed strains had the same downside as pure royal lineages were known to — it produced an idiotic dud.

I like this weed far less than any of its forebears — except I don’t care too much for Headband either. My friend smoked a bunch of Headband one time and asked me, “Doesn’t it kind of make you feel like you are wearing a headband?”

“That’s an expensive-ass headband,” I responded.

It’s not that Three Kings — or Headband — doesn’t get you high. But its highness really isn’t that much better than just wearing a headband. Things are a little different, not better or worse, more awake or more relaxed. It doesn’t have the lift of an energetic get-some-shit-done buzz, but it also lacks the lull of a relaxing muscle loosener.

Though Sativa-dominant, the hybrid Three Kings kinda cuts it down the middle in all the wrong ways. Or not even the wrong ways — it’s not a bad experience. It’s just like the most generic high ever: a plain white can with “high” printed on it. Or maybe it’s one of those gold-rush craft beers that thinks it can make a great IPA just by adding a bunch of hops.

Which is a shame because the packaging of this high, the plant, is indeed regal. The bright green kush-y buds have an autumnal hint to them, the way the reddish fibers creep toward brown and gold at the same time. And the smell has an intoxicating freshness — lemon and pine and hops and sex all compacted down into a dense floral punch.

When you light it, it almost seems to want to combust and dissolve into your lungs. It is really the prettiest weed I’ve smoked in a while. But like people who are too pretty, it is boring in the end. Perfectly lovely for a date, but not something you want to spend a lot of time with.

So come on, down with the fucking monarchy already. Just because some strain had good parents doesn’t mean it’s gonna be good. (Baynard Woods)

  • Strength: 5
  • Nose: lemon and pine and hops and sex with a hint of nostalgia and butter
  • Euphoria: 5
  • Existential dread: 5
  • Freaking out when a crazy person approaches you: 5
  • Drink pairing: Sam Adams
  • Music pairing: Coldplay
  • Rating: 5

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